


working through it, bit by bit

by constellations_imploding



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: (it's in the past and only mentioned but just to make sure), Comfort, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Hair-pulling, Head Shaving, M/M, Trans Martin Blackwood, Trichotillomania
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:54:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26897017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constellations_imploding/pseuds/constellations_imploding
Summary: As Jon develops a bad habit, Martin's worries grow. They manage it, somehow.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 5
Kudos: 52





	working through it, bit by bit

Another strand of hair is what Martin finds when he looks at the white pillow case. ‘Another’, as in the - he lost count, but it felt like a myriad. Well, not exactly that much, but with each loose hair appearing in his eyesight his worries grew, and it’s been a lot this week.

All of them must have been Jon’s, always long and winding, and mostly black, though sometimes in a more grey or even white tone. Latter were usually a lot softer and thinner.  
He wasn’t exactly experienced in the subject of taking care of hair, as he kept his own never longer than a few centimeters. Whenever it approached his eyebrows, the young man felt himself easing up and talking even less, as it still triggered his dysphoria. It definitely was a wound point for him - he wished to be more secure in his masculinity and not let hair define his feelings about life, but still. After all there were several other reasons to trim his hair regularly, right?

However, hair loss was still something that worried him, as it usually was a warning signal of the body.  
Several years back, when he spent too much time worrying about food, and also within a certain community on the internet, he experienced bodies decaying, while at the same time staying alive. It was a rather second-hand experience than on himself, gladly - he was aware now how much he had harmed himself, even if at the time he was sure it was not enough. An absurd state of living, and not thinking about the correlation to what he had experienced, it would have made a rather good statement.  
And even though Jon was scrawny, he was assuredly not malnourished, what an irrational thought.  
Surely, it was just the fact that the slightly older man aged way faster, and thus experienced stages of the body not functioning as well anymore at different rates. And also, his habit of not caring for himself very well probably only furthered that.  
Still, it was not something Martin’s brain found a fulfilled train of thought, but there were more important things now. He could return to the matter later, confrontment was something he was never comfortable with, no matter how often he had practised it.

Quite a bit later in the day, they were now laying on the small sofa in their living room - well, Martin was laying down, his sturdy, long legs hanging over the end and his head resting on his partner’s lap.  
A storm was raging outside, and both Martin and Jon were happy that they didn't have to be outside right now, and instead were able to wind down next to each other.  
From the corner of his eye, he noticed Jon’s hand moving, while his eyes flew across the pages of his book. Martin will never understand how the man could read prose in his time off as well, seeing as his job consisted mostly of browsing through seemingly endless texts.  
At first the long and scarred fingers just brushed over the cushion of the soft underground, but then they crawled up and ended up in his long hair. There, they plucked through an array of strands, until they landed on a robust one, thicker than most of the others. The whole process so far happened without Jon looking at what he was doing, still focused on his book, although now biting down on his bottom lip.

Is that self harm?  
Martin was about to speak up, when his boyfriend’s eyes met his. His spine straightened - the younger man hadn’t even realised how crouched Jon was sitting, even for his standards - and the muscles in his face relaxed. His hands - the other one had been just about to grab the hair, too - quickly fell into his lap.  
“What?” was the only thing that mumbles out of the opened mouth. Jon’s grammar was extraordinary, but he also was a taciturn creature.  
Okay Martin, you’ve got this. Just say the things that are on your mind.

“Well, uhm- so I was wondering. Your hair uh, I’ve found it around the flat. Like pieces- no, locks of it. And you are now playing with it, you know, so, what- what is up with that?”  
Jon stopped looking at him, the muscles in his face twitching, then he sighed.  
“You will think me crazy-”  
“Don’t say that! I promise I won’t.”  
“Well then, okay.  
I trust you, love. As you may see, I have sort of formed a habit of, er, pulling on my hair? It’s probably a form of stress relief, like biting nails. You know that, right?”  
Martin grinned, slightly ashamed, as he held up his hands, which were full of wounds from scratching and biting the skin from his fingertips. That does make sense.  
Jon nodded, and continued.  
“There is also a mental disorder, called Trichotillomania, and it's possible that I have that, but in that case it is a compulsion. For me, it's more that I just forget everything and it happens automatically. Of course it annoys me when I cannot fumble around with something, but I actually don't care whether it's my hair or skin or something else. So hopefully it’s not that. I don’t need another diagnosis.”  
The last sentence he added with a painful grin. Martin could understand him though, both of them - or rather anyone who worked at the Magnus Institute - already bore a lot on their shoulders.  
“Well okay. Is there anything I can do for you? Since you want the hair pulling to stop, if I took that correctly?”  
“I don’t know.. I don’t want to burden you with one more thing to think about, but at the same time it maybe would be helpful if you would point to me when I pick?”  
Martin agreed, he could take care of that without any problems.

Their new system seemed to work for a while, and when Jon was alone, he had an array of fidgeting items with him (some bracelets the friend group had made a while ago, as well as a rubber band around his arm and a small spiky ball).  
However, that did not last for very long and he was back to playing with and tugging at his hair.

“It’s just something about the texture.” Jon grumbled out as they lay in bed, exhausted and with his eyes closed. Nowadays, his fingers never got to stay still, expressing his restless state of mind. “That feels nice on my skin, and it’s so easy to rip one out to play with it.”

An idea came to mind. What if- no, surely Jon wouldn’t want that.  
Hell, Martin loved his boyfriend’s hair. Both of them did.

“Actually, I would be fine with that. Would you..?”  
“Jon!”  
“Sorry! You just looked like you wouldn’t want to share what’s going on in that mind of yours, even though both of us know that you have the more practical solutions.”  
“Yeah, yeah. I’m working on that.To make it official: Would shaving your head be something you’d be willing to try? We could also keep your hair in like a jar if you wanted!”

Jon’s expression changed during the last sentence to confusion, and he held back a laugh.  
“That’s adorable of you, but I think I’ll be fine. I do love my hair and the length it is at the moment, but it may be better for the greater good if I don’t keep it as long. I imagine that it’s a lot harder to tug at short cut hair. I’ve actually thought about it myself, but wasn’t brave enough to bring it up.”

And so the two of them gathered in the narrow bathroom. While Martin took out the razor machine, and even during the cutting process, both men hesitated now and then. It’s weird to go from shoulder length hair to barely a centimeter. 

In the end, it actually was a solution to the problem. Not as good as dealing with the stress itself, Jon was aware of that, but sometimes the end justifies the means. In that case, running over the tips of the hair was just as good a sensory pleasure as the plucking had been, but without hurting his body. In very stressful times, he still returned to scratching or biting himself, but that was much less likely.

It became a routine, Martin cutting his hair every second weekend. Also, shorter hair meant more room to place small kisses, which was another enjoyment.

Martin never told Jon, and Jon knew nevertheless, that there were some long black pieces of hair in a box in their bedroom drawer. Just to make sure.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, if so feel free to leave a comment :>
> 
> (This was me projecting. Onto both of them. Haha.)


End file.
